I'm Not Always a Ray of F*cking Sunshine

People love a redemption story. The arc from chaos to calm. From breakdown to breakthrough. From “emotionally unstable” to “aligned and glowing.” And if you’ve read this blog, you know I’ve walked that arc. Crawled it, more like. Bruised knees, mascara tears, journal entries that could be used as evidence.

But let me be painfully honest: despite all my inner work, I’m not always a ray of f*cking sunshine.

Sometimes I’m petty. Sometimes I curse under my breath (and over it). Sometimes I slam cabinet doors because “mindfulness” was on lunch break. Sometimes I make passive-aggressive comments that I immediately regret, but not enough to stop making them.

And that’s with the tools.

The truth is, healing hasn’t made me enlightened. It’s made me aware. Which means I now get to watch myself be an irritable gremlin in real time, fully conscious of my behavior but still committed to the bit.

There’s this myth that healing turns you into a more serene, saintlike version of yourself. That if you’re still getting angry, still frustrated, still sarcastic or snappy, you must not be “doing the work.” But that myth is garbage, and it reeks of shame disguised as self-improvement.

Real growth isn’t about achieving constant peace. It’s about reducing the collateral damage. About shortening the recovery time after you lose your shit. About knowing when your attitude is the problem, and eventually circling back to make amends.

It’s knowing the difference between a boundary and a tantrum.

It’s forgiving yourself without excusing yourself.

It’s being okay with the fact that you can be both healing and annoyed at the same time.

So no, I’m not always a ray of sunshine. But I’m also not the storm anymore. And that, my friends, is what I call progress.

Sign up for my newsletter to get more content like this delivered straight to your inbox! Subscribe

And check out the next chapter of my journey, a new blog called Mentally Stable-ish™. It tells the hard truths and hilarity of hormones and hot flashes with humor and honesty. A sweaty and sarcastic, survival guide to menopause, motherhood and midlife mayhem in the modern era.

I'd love to hear from you! Please leave any questions, comments, or insights in the comments section below.