Things No One Tells You About Living in “Paradise”
- Vanessa Gillier
- Sep 7
- 3 min read
(Especially when you're trying to avoid ANOTHER mental breakdown)
You moved to the tropics because you love the sunshine and the promise of endless relaxation. What you found was swampass and existential dread in flip-flops.
Here’s a list of things no one warned you about living in “paradise,” especially when you’re piecing your brain back together and wondering how the clouds can tell exactly when you’re about to walk the dogs.
1. Roosters do not obey the laws of nature.
They do not crow at dawn. They crow at 2:49 a.m., 3:15, 4:22, and whenever your REM cycle is just hitting its stride.
2. There is always at least one mosquito in your car.
You won’t see it until you’re doing 65mph on the highway.
3. Humidity is not relaxing, particularly when combined with perimenopause.
It’s like being slowly boiled in your own sweat. No amount of yoga can prepare you for the rage of trying to put on leggings.
4. "Island time" sounds cute until you need anything done.
Want your internet fixed? That’s adorable. They’ll be there “mañana,” which loosely translates to “someday, in the near, or distant future.”
5. Every other Tuesday is a national holiday.
You’ll go to the bank, pharmacy, or post office only to find a handwritten sign that says: “Cerrado. Celebrando el Día del Pescado.”
6. Ants. Everywhere.
They’re in your sugar, your shampoo, your soul. Don’t fight it. You live here now. Together.
7. As hot as it is outside, it’s arctic inside.
Never leave home without a sweater. You can suffer frostbite at the movies.
8. Beach therapy is great, except the beach is trying to break you.
Sand fleas, riptides, and tourists from hell. Healing vibes meet a drunken bachelorette and a toddler peeing next to your towel.
9. Everyone drives like they're either late or lost.
Your blood pressure is now part of the scenery. Especially when you’re stuck behind a guy going 20 mph under the speed limit in the left lane while texting and making a right turn.
10. You will sweat through every conversation.
Trying to make friends is hard. Trying to make friends while visibly melting and mentally unraveling? Olympic level.
11. The power will go out at the exact moment you finish unpacking the groceries.
Because nothing screams “island living” like watching your yogurt begin its slow journey toward room temperature despair.
12. Car windows down with the stereo cranked.
Sure, Bad Bunny is awesome, but I didn’t realize I'd be attending his unofficial world tour - every day and every night, everywhere.
13. “Fresh produce” is a fairy tale.
Half of it goes bad before you unpack the bag. The other half gets covered in fruit flies the second you blink.
14. Potholes appear and multiply like tropical mushrooms.
They form overnight - suddenly, mysteriously - and have been known to consume your suspension, your alignment, and whatever fragile sense of control you were clinging to.
15. Healing? Happens in weird ways.
It’s not always sunsets and smoothies. Sometimes it's screaming into a pillow, sweating through your sheets, and still choosing to try again tomorrow.
Paradise isn’t perfect. Recovery isn’t linear. But if you made it through today without drop-kicking a rooster or emotionally unraveling during another blackout, that’s something worth celebrating.
Preferably with a limber de coco. Or Don Q. Better yet, limber con! Your call.
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