High self-confidence, low self-esteem

"Confidence is silent, insecurities are loud." - Unknown

In a recent discussion with a friend I was introduced to a concept that was quite foreign to me, how to balance high self-confidence with low self-esteem. Growing up, I suffered from a deep-seated insecurity that I could never shake. Constantly worrying about what others thought of me, and terrified of failure or rejection. I would go to great lengths to avoid social situations where I might be exposed as being inadequate, and I would often sabotage my own efforts to redefine my own fragile ego.

So, a dichotomy of high self-confidence and low self-esteem seemed counter-intuitive to me. But in speaking with my friend, I have come to see how it can be possible, which has been exceedingly enlightening. It has helped me to understand the distinction between self-confidence and self-esteem, and allowed me to reevaluate the contridictions of people in my own life with greater insight.

He expressed that while he has always had a strong belief in his abilities, he has often struggled with his value and appreciation for himself. It made me realize that self-confidence is what we show, while self-esteem is what we feel. Self-confidence shows up as skills, developed and demonstrated to the world. Whereas, self-esteem results from who you believe yourself to be in the world.

For the purpose of clarity, I think it's helpful to liken self-esteem to self-worth. I've known many amazing people who are extremely self-confident and project an aire of superhuman. But I don't know what goes through their mind when they look in the mirror. No one does. There are lots of high functioning individuals who hate themselves. Imposter syndrome is rampant. But actions are not people. People are not actions.

He explained that he had always been confident, in his ability to achieve, to learn, to do. These are actions, repeated and improved, over time. Yet a low self-worth and strong self-loathing formulated in his first romantic relationship as a teen, that over time became ripe with verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. It chipped away at his self-esteem until he believed that he deserved to subsist on crumbs.

Still, while hating himself, he remained resolute that he could achieve anything, and that these simultaneous beliefs were not mutually exclusive. They existed very distinctly, in parallel, together. How bizarre! To me, at least. Although, not that different from my own doppelganger life, I suppose.

True love requires a deep understanding of oneself and the other person, as well as a willingness to invest time, effort, and emotional vulnerability. When these elements are lacking, the result can be a painful experience of starvation.

I shared with him my own experiences and together we came to a similar conclusion. Accepting crumbs in relationships is a survival strategy. Adulthood is about unlearning all the unproductive and downright harmful lessons so that we can become more of who we really are/wish to be. The pain and trauma of our past serves as a reminder to confront our own insecurities, to reevaluate our priorities, and to ultimately become more resilient and self-aware human beings.

In discussing the formulation of his low self-esteem, he began to recognize that he had been repeating the same trauma in subsequent relationships, surviving on crumbs, despite knowing that he deserved better. That he had replaced one abusive partner with another, then another, and that he was in a vicious cycle of overcompensating, in order to mask his low self-esteem.

"So, what can I do about it?" he asked. Well, I’m no expert, but I believe we learn so much from sharing and so I offered him a few approaches that I have learned along my personal journey to healing.

The first thing I suggested is to do some deep introspective work. Spend some time journaling about what he really wanted and desired, no matter how small. By allowing yourself to freely express your desires, I can almost guarantee something really enlightening will appear. Like, you aren't asking for that much at all. In fact, they may be quite reasonable.

That leads me to the next point. It's not that you are asking for too much, or underserving of more. It is that you've been trained by a heartless hellion. A tyrant that although long gone, still lives rent free in your head. It's time to put Ms.Mf out with the trash, where they belong!

Lastly, I suggested that he needed to learn to set boundaries, communicate and stick to them, in order to show himself worth. Afterall, practice makes permanent.

If there was an anorexia for romantic relationships, many of us would be in recovery. We settle for little bites of affection or the sporadic buffet of over the top romance, immediately followed by a strict diet of tiny morsels. I've seen it all around me. All my life I've been surrounded by amazing brilliant creatures running on the fumes of love, because we are pecking around for crumbs left by the ones we expect to keep us full and nourished (ie: family, partners, kids).

I invite you to step into your power and create the love within yourself that will shine so brightly, that no one will ever be able to dim it again. These are not easy tasks, and may require many of us to undo a lifetime of conditioned behavior. But I promise you, you are worth it!

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