Doppelgänger

"They say there is no light without dark, no good without evil, no right without wrong.... That nothing can exist if its direct opposite does not also exist." - Laurell K. Hamilton

All my life I have lived a paradoxical dichotomy. It has permeated my persona and mystifies most, myself included. How can I be so “x”, yet so “y”? - is a constant internal dialogue. People often perceive me in a manner quite different to how I view myself. Not unlike most, I am my own worst critic. I harbor supremely unrealistic expectations of myself, yet I am the loudest cheerleader for everyone else. It is baffling and frustrating. The programming is so hard-wired it functions like my own personal artificial intelligence. Presuming and distorting reality.

While writing my life story in therapy, about 35 pages into it (my story was quite literally a 70-page novel – wordy much?), I asked my counselor if I could write a second version, as I felt like I had a second life story to tell, from another side of me. To clarify, I’m not bipolar (I’m pretty sure), but during my time of introspection, I came to realize that I have two opposing personalities that do not overlap. They live in parallel. Varying their residency according to the situation. Oscillating from Hard-V to Soft-V.

In treatment, my peers and counselors came to know Soft-V. Hard-V was absent 95% of the time. As my therapist pointed out, "Why would she be here? She’d never consider therapy; She just needs for other people to be smarter! Therapy isn’t for her."

Hard V made a brief appearance on three separate occasions. Once, at the beginning of my treatment when we were asked to review the AA/NA Step One, in which addicts are tasked with admitting that their lives have become unmanageable, and that they are powerless over their illness. On another occasion, during which a peer shared a horrifically traumatic memory that caused many in our group to leave the room sobbing and visibly distressed. And during another incident in which a peer who’d consistently checked in as feeling “good”, failing to engage or share for weeks in group caused me to become disproportionately agitated. If they were so “good”, what the hell were they doing in treatment?

I recognized that my reaction in the last instance was based on my personal expectations of transparency and openness, and I quickly apologized for overreacting. A couple weeks into my treatment, I was tasked with completing Step One, and had to laugh at my incongruous initial reaction to the worksheet questions. I was so raw at the onset that it pained me to face how chaotic my life had become with honesty, and my therapist and peers were quick to point out the contrast.

But my reaction to the traumatic share was quite unnerving to several of my peers. They had never experienced Hard-V. While they had heard of her, it was alarming to see her in person. She was vulgar, viperous, and violent. Our counselor challenged my reaction and offered a new tool for my belt that I have come to rely heavily upon. The power of fantasizing. Not acting on the fantasy. Simply imagining and mentally composing a revenge scenario, and envisioning it played out.

I went all Lizbeth Salander, “Dragon Tattoo” on those miscreants from my peers’ share, and it worked! I released that negative energy and hyper-activated fight response right there and then. I didn’t have to carry it around. I had no need for it after I shared the fantasy. It has become a go-to tool for me when Hard-V rears her head. It allows me to appreciate her force and determination, without feeding her growth. Like the Two Wolves lore of the Cherokee, I can acknowledge instead of starve her, and utilize her strengths to benefit me.

Following the incident, my therapist tasked me with writing down the pros and cons of the two versions of me and looking at them objectively, compassionately. Picking out the aspects that I liked in each and envisioning a coherent collective. It allowed me to merge the two sides into a banded, more positive, self-perception. Not too hard, nor too soft. A bipartisan amalgamation so desperately needed in these modern times. Merging opposing views into the better of both.

Towards the end of treatment, I completed an exercise called "Body Map", wherein you reflect on your body and associate it with different words / feelings / colors / thoughts to provide a more transparent reveal of your inner dialogue and self-image. It allowed me to palindrome my hard and soft into one unified life. A doppelgänger of sorts, but in truth, an aspirational dream.

It provided an itemized reflection of myself that highlighted the disparity of the two versions. It offered me an opportunity to bring Hard-V and Soft-V together to create New-V and outline all of the aspects of myself that I know now to be true. An exercise that allowed me to envision the next chapter of my life. To show myself love, respect and appreciation. To disconnect the hard wires of old and lay new conduit, and create a new signal route for the passage of a healthier self-image.  

I can’t say for sure that I am no longer Hard-V or Soft-V, I believe they will both always live within me. But New-V has taken up residency in the penthouse suite and secured her lair with armed guards! Just another example of the deftly simple, yet fundamentally altering work on the journey to healing, that has allowed for a completely new perspective which has benefited me immeasurably.

As we were often reminded in treatment:

“It works if you work it, and your worth it, so work it!”

I hope that you find time to reflect on yourself and create your own Pros and Cons list with objectivity and compassion, and merge them together to make space for a healthier self-image. Stay tuned for more!

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