Parenthood

“This Be The Verse”, by Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your mom and dad.

They don’t mean to, but they do.  

They fill you with the faults they had

and add some extra just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn.

By fools in old-style hats and coats.

Who half the time were soppy-stern

and half at one another’s throats. 

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can.

Don’t have any kids yourself. 

In the penultimate episode of the Ted Lasso series, May shares these words of wisdom with Ted when he receives a surprise visit from his mother. It resonated with me. Kicked me in the nuts, if I’m honest. In treatment I came to understand the impact childhood trauma can have. Uncovering the traumas of my own childhood, understanding their imprint, and discovering how they manifest in my life was a painful but necessary education.

I can now better understand the effect I have had on my children. I know the pain I’ve caused my kids from my depressive disorder. I observed my own demons and faults in my daughter, which was the catalyst for seeking treatment.

The first month of treatment I cried daily believing that the damage had been done and there was nothing I could do to erase it. Over time, my counselors helped me to recognize that just as I was learning to overcome the “flaws” passed on to me, my children could learn to do the same. More importantly, they needed to know that sometimes all we can do is our best. That as humans, we all make mistakes. No one is perfect. The point is to learn from our mistakes, and strive to better ourselves, for ourselves and those that matter most to us.

It is important to remember that you are someone's child too. You have your own baggage that you brought into parenting. You have the right to work on the impact your parents had on you without feeling guilty, knowing they did their best, and that they too were someone’s children. You can honor what they went through, as well as work on the influence they had on you, and the affect you have on your own children.

My father is the person I talk to when I’m at my lowest, he’s the person who guides my decisions – even when he doesn’t know it. He’s grown with me as a person, he helps me when I don’t ask, he and my mother make me feel special, and while they can both get things really wrong…they are perfectly imperfect, to me.

Against your better judgement, one of the best things that you can teach your children is that you are flawed. You make mistakes, just like they do, and that like them, you are a work in progress! Life is messy, but messiness doesn’t define us or determine our worth.

Spoiler alert, Ted ultimately confronts his mom about the childhood trauma from his father's suicide, the way it was glossed over by his mother, and the impact it has had on him as an adult. His mother graciously receives it and expresses that she was struggling as well and doing the best she could at the time but that she understood and appreciated the honesty of her son.

That’s the thing about being a parent. Sometimes you lose and sometimes you win. But most of the time you just tie. But you keep playing. That’s all there is to it.

Parental damage is unavoidable, and though the poem doesn’t expressly encourage it, forgiveness looms as the only possible solution. So, embrace your flaws, forgive your missteps and continue your journey to heal. And never stop trying to better yourself, for yourself and for the generations to come. 

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