Shame

For years, I believed my addictions were about escape. But beneath every relapse, every lie, and every self-destructive choice was one quiet, heavy emotion: shame.

Shame is a signal, not a defect. It can serve a purpose. But when left unchecked, it spirals out of control. And when it does, it becomes a silent driver of addiction and mental health struggles.

Imagine carrying a backpack filled with rocks. Each rock represents a moment of shame or regret. Over time, that weight becomes unbearable. Instead of seeking help, many of us turn to unhealthy habits - drinking, using, or isolating - to numb the pain and escape the weight, even if just for a moment.

Shame thrives in secrecy. It tells us we’re alone. That no one will understand. That we’re too broken to be seen. And in that isolation, despair deepens. The cycle begins: we use to quiet shame, and then feel shame for using. It’s a loop that’s hard to escape.

Unlike guilt, which says “I did something bad,” shame whispers, “I am bad.” That difference is powerful - and dangerous. Shame warps our self-image, convincing us that we don’t deserve happiness, help, or healing. It keeps us stuck, replaying lies that prevent growth and feed the need to escape.

In treatment, I realized I wasn’t just running from pain - I was running from myself. From the belief that I was fundamentally unworthy of love, healing, or change. Shame told me I deserved to die. That I’d be doing everyone a favor by destroying myself one cigarette at a time.

Every cigarette started with the same promise: This is the last one. And every broken promise was met with that cruel voice: "See? You’re hopeless."

I can’t pinpoint where this shame-addiction connection began. Nicotine is a highly addictive substance - well-documented and scientifically studied. I’m not minimizing that. But ultimately, my choice and insecurities led me into its grip.

At the recovery center, smoking was common - among my peers, and even my counselors. That made quitting even harder. But it also made it that much more meaningful. I saw that this was my chance - not just to quit smoking, but to do it for once and for all during the most challenging time in my life. To speak my truth, confront my demons, and remain fully committed were the equivalent of Olympic Gold - the quintescential - If I can Make It Here, I Can Make It Anywhere - moment.

Here’s what helped me break shame’s hold:

• Talking about it in a safe space

• Naming it as a feeling, not a fact

• Practicing self-compassion and acceptance

• Realizing I wasn’t alone

Healing didn’t come from perfection. It came from being seen in all my mess - and still feeling worthy of support. So I encourage you to question the shame you carry. If it’s telling you you’re broken beyond repair, hear this - it’s lying. Healing begins the moment you stop hiding.

I challenge you to write down one thing you’ve never told anyone because of shame - and tell it to someone safe. That act of connection can be the first thread of healing. When we share our experiences with trusted friends or professionals, shame loses power. We realize we’re not alone. And that realization brings relief, hope, and a reason to keep going.

Everyone has battles. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes, but those mistakes do not define us. When we begin to accept our imperfections and forgive ourselves, we begin to loosen shame’s grip. That acceptance builds resilience. It gives us the strength to face mental health struggles head-on and choose healthier ways to cope.

Ultimately, when we turn shame into self-compassion, we find the path to recovery. There is hope. There is a way forward. And it starts with believing that we are worthy of healing.

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