Progress not Perfection

The sun will rise, and I will try again.

A recurrent theme for addiction and mental illness is the idiom "Progress not Perfection". It refers to the realistic understanding that nothing and no one is perfect. The battles fought in recovery are as important if not more than the days counted or chips collected. Perfection is a myth. The best we can strive for is progress through continuous practice, with honesty, openness and willingness (H.O.W.) in the ongoing pursuit of growth throughout recovery from addiction and mental illness. Recovery is a lifelong process. There is no break.

I recently had to remind myself of this as I was becoming apathetic in my practice of yoga. I’ve been diligently practicing yoga daily (with the exception of during a recent stint of COVID, and a few days off here and there) for the past four months. Yet I still cannot comfortably sit in Lotus, Butterfly, or Frog! Despite months of persistent training, it feels as though I am no more flexible than I was when I began. WTF?

I get that I’m old, and that years of idle lethargy have finally caught up with my lazy ass but come on! I had hoped that by now, I would at least be able to sit in Easy pose. Nope. The muscle strains remain, the joints still ache, the ligaments are as tight as ever, and the burning persists. It’s demoralizing. Like, no matter how long I practice, I’ll never be the lean yoga machine I dreamt I could be. What’s worse, having been sedentary for three decades, it’ll take at least that long to even get close! Son of a…!

It parrallels conversations I’ve recently had with some of my former comorbid inmates, many of whom have relapsed. What came first, relapse or depression? In every case, depression. Next question: did you stick to your routine or had the routine weened?  In every case, the routine weened, before, during and after the depression. Followed by: why did you let up on your routine? In every case, because I felt better. Sarcastic me then quips: so, you felt good for a couple months, after years of a miserable addiction and mental illness existence, and you thought stopping what you were doing was going to help you feel better? In every case, piss off Vanessa!

My takeaway: ROUTINE is the linchpin. The second I let up on my routine, the window cracks for depression and addiction to sneak back in.

It’s all part and parcel for the vindictive grip these diseases have on us.  We feel good, which makes us think, “It’s no biggy, I can let up a bit and relax.”  We forget that the reason we feel good is because of the work we’re doing, the routine we’ve committed to, the sacrifices we've made, the diligence and persistence we’ve been faithful to. The hard work we do in the shadows, often without support, recognition, understanding, or mercy.

It’s just us. Alone. Against a relentless savage. A bloodthirsty two-headed monster that masks itself as a merciful friend only to turn it’s ferocity on us when we are at our most vulnerable, or celebrating a rare success.     

As equally debilitating as the miniscule progress seems to be, is the desperation for “normal”. I can recall challenging my counselor in our Saturday recovery group session and asking, “do you mean to tell me that I will have to maintain this routine regiment for the rest of my life?”  To which, he candidly responded, “only if you want to sustain your recovery.” FUCKING HELL!

Normal is never going to be what we thought it would be. THIS is our normal. Daily dedication and grind. Two steps forward, one step backward. A slow and steady, eternal water current dance.  It feels hopeless.

How can I maintain this routine forever? Won’t I ever be able to just relax? Aren’t I entitled to a respite? Isn’t there some way to adapt according to my personal journey/goals? Thankfully, the answers aren’t so difficult.

No one expects us to be perfect. We impose that on ourselves. The point is simply to progress. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Even when we fall short, we just have to get back up. Regardless of the challenges, we must persist. Each temptation and trigger, is a learning opportunity. Relapse is part of the journey, not the end. It’s our brains’ way of reminding us that we can never stop progressing. Our lives depend on it.

So, I will continue my routine. I will continue to yoga. I will continue to write. I will continue to share my knowledge. I will continue to attend meetings. I will continue to make healthy choices. I will continue to avoid nicotine and THC. I will continue to grow. I will continue to work on my relationships. I will continue to be mindful. I will continue to show myself love, forgiveness and gratitude. I will maintain to sustain.

And in the spirit of my beloved yoga instructor:

Thank you for this day. I am alive. Namaste.

I hope that you find time to reflect on your progress and release the intangible aspirations of perfection to live a happier and healthier wabi-sabi life. Stay tuned for more!

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