A year ago today...

My transition from despair to hope.

One year ago I began a journey of rehabilitation that profoundly changed my life. After careful research and consideration, and absolute honesty with my family and dearest friends, I made the difficult decision to fly halfway around the world to check myself into an inpatient treatment and rehabilitation center in Thailand for an 8 week program. I knew that what I needed was a holistic, not clinical approach. A place where I would be able to wholly surrender to the process.

The decision to seek professional help is rarely impulsive. It often culminates from a prolonged period of struggle, marked by failed attempts at change and the erosion of personal relationships. My own journey involved a gradual descent into a black whole, fueled by personal insecurities and underlying mental health issues. The final trigger was a series of events with my children that starkly revealed the urgent need for intervention.

Acknowledging that one needs to change is the first and most crucial step towards recovery. When I arrived at the treatment center, this realization resonated deeply within me. I understood that my life had become unmanageable, and seeking help was the only way forward.

Rehab itself was a transformative experience, structured around a combination of therapeutic interventions and lifestyle modifications. But the initial days were characterized by utter physical and psychological exhaustion, echoed by a crushing sense of sadness from the state of my life.

The subsequent weeks involved individual and group therapy sessions, exploring the root causes of my severe depression, nicotine and cannabis addictions. Evidence-based practices, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), played a pivotal role in helping me reframe my thoughts and behaviors. CBT focuses on identifying negative thought patterns and developing coping strategies to tackle them.

By exploring the underlying trauma, unresolved conflicts, and dysfunctional coping mechanisms that had contributed to my self-destructive behaviors, CBT played a crucial role. It helped me identify and challenge the recurrent negative thought patterns that contributed to my depression and substance abuse.

The lived experiences of the dedicated professionals, provided a relatable foundation for recovery. My gifted and luminous counselor Alex Barley was masterly. Her profound understanding of the healing and recovery process, combined with a keen noxometer and sage insight were both cathartic and transformative. I owe her a debt that I will never be able to repay.

But recovery is not a solitary endeavor; it requires a collective effort. Interaction with other "inmates" offered a sense of belonging. Group therapy sessions provided the comfort of community and mutual support. Sharing experiences with others battling similar struggles fostered solidarity and understanding.

It was deeply reassuring to find that I was not alone in my journey. Witnessing both the progress and struggles of others, and offering as well as receiving encouragement bolstered my own resolve. The peer support system, from Women’s Group, Trauma Group, and Recovery Group, all defining features of my rehabilitation experience, offered invaluable companionship and accountability. This collective healing process was a powerful catalyst for personal growth.

The treatment program extended beyond individual and group therapy. The holistic approach integrated various elements, including physical fitness, nutritional guidance, and mindfulness practices. Regular exercise helped improve both my physical and mental well-being, offering a healthy outlet for much needed release. The focus on healthy eating promoted physical strength and cognitive stability.

Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) were further components of the treatment program. TRE is essentially a series of stretches that trigger the body’s innate reflex system of shaking or trembling in order to release trapped tension. As an alternative treatment it sounds entirely hokey, but for me and many of my peers it was extremely illuminating. It remains a very special tool in my kit that I’ve used on numerous occasions to counter emotional duress.

Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation and breath work, along with yoga and massage provided an additional layer of support and tools for releasing stress and cultivating serenity. This integrated approach addressed the interconnectedness of physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

In addition to the anti-depressants I was prescribed, I also elected to undergo Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) to further assist the pharmacotherapy of my treatment-resistant depression. It is a procedure that uses electromagnetic waves to stimulate new neuropathways in the brain and help regulate mood. Over a 4-week period, I underwent 20 treatments of 20-30 minute zaps to my brain. While it sounds barbaric, it was actually relatively painless and resulted in a dramatic recourse in my mindset. New, untainted neuropathways were opened that enabled me to access the positive shift.

My time in treatment not only provided me with the skills to navigate my addictions and depression but also instilled hope and resilience. The impact of all the therapeutic modalities extended beyond immediate physical and psychological healing. It profoundly influenced my relationships with family and friends back home.

The process of rebuilding trust and repairing damaged connections required consistent effort and open communication. The emotional toll on my loved ones was significant. Demonstrated empathy and a willingness to accept accountability for my actions were fundamental to regaining their belief in me. Repairing these relationships remains an ongoing process, but I know that the full scale of the benefit will be felt for generations.

As I reflect on my time in rehab, the importance of understanding addiction and mental health issues as chronic diseases stands out. Viewing these illnesses through a health lens rather than a moral failing can drive policy changes, increase funding for treatment programs, and ultimately save lives.

My own experience one-year post-rehab highlights the ongoing nature of recovery. It is a journey, not a destination. The initial sense of euphoria following discharge gradually gave way to the reality of consistent vigilance and self-reflection. Relapse prevention strategies learned during rehabilitation serve as a bulwark against potential setbacks. The emphasis on long-term recovery planning helped ensure a smooth transition back into society and these strategies remain integrated into my daily routine.

The sustained support of alumni networks and ongoing therapy sessions have provided continuous encouragement and guidance. The friendships I cultivated at treatment, along with the blog I created upon my return, provide me with a space to address emerging challenges, practice and tweak strategies, and maintain a healthy outlook. But above all, the support of my family and friends has been irreplaceable in sustaining my progress.

This experience has reinforced the importance of self-compassion and the need for continuous personal growth. It has fundamentally changed my perspective on life, fostering gratitude and a renewed appreciation for all that I have endured and overcome in my half-century on this roller coaster.

The treatment program provided the framework for a complete life transformation, enabling my transition from despair to hope. My arrival at the center was not simply a journey to a far away land; it was the beginning of my journey to a neverland that had eluded me for decades. A place characterized by growth, discovery and self-worth. The journey of recovery is a lifelong commitment, requiring unwavering self-belief and continuous effort. We owe it to ourselves to live our best life, and thanks to The Dawn, I finally am.

If you have any questions, comments, or insights on inpatient treatment for addiction, mental health, wellness and/or rehab, I'd love to hear from you! Please leave me a note in the comments section below.

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