Confessional

“The biggest lie you can tell yourself is that you’re happy when you’re not.”

As I sat down to write my blog post, the weight of my words bore down on me like a heavy burden. I knew what I was about to confess would change everything - my reputation, my following, my entire online persona. I never thought I'd be the one to admit this, but here I am - coming clean about the truth behind my blog. It's not easy for me to say this, but I have to be honest: I am a liar and a hypocrite. The blog that I've built up over the past few months is a misrepresentation of what is currently going on in my head. And the scariest part is, I'm terrified that if I tell the truth, no one will want to follow it anymore.

In today's world, where social media reigns supreme, the pressure to present a perfect image of oneself is stronger than ever. We curate our online personas, carefully selecting what we share with the world in order to portray ourselves in the best light possible. But behind the facade of filters and hashtags lies the truth - the raw, unfiltered reality of who we really are. In my case, I have hidden behind a mask, crafting a blog that paints a picture of a new and happier life. But the truth is not so.

And the guilt and shame of living a lie have weighed heavily on my conscience, leading me to the brink of complete regression. I know that by revealing the truth, I risk losing everything I have built - my followers, my credibility, my online presence. But I can no longer bear the burden of pretending to be something I'm not.  It’s time for my to confront my own hypocrisy.

It all started innocently enough. When I first began blogging, it was just a way for me to express myself and share my journey to healing with friends and family. I was passionate about the topics I wrote about and wanted to share what I was learning and connect with like-minded people. And what I was writing was helping to keep me focused and on the path of healing. But many of the posts on my blog were written immediately following my return from treatment, when the motivation and rejuvenation were at their peak.

Somewhere along the way, things began to change. Like many of my former treatment peers, the demons resurfaced.  The maladaptive coping strategies have reappeared, and despite knowing better, instead of practicing my new skills, I started curating my life, only showing the highlights and leaving out the ugly parts.

In the beginning, it was little white lies - exaggerating the successes, downplaying the failures. But over time, it has snowballed. I know that I need to come clean, to be honest with my readers about the truth of my situation. But the fear of losing everything I've been dedicating so much of myself to is paralyzing. What if you stop following me? What if you no longer trust me? What if I'm not able to continue healing? These are the questions that keep me up at night, constantly second-guessing myself.

At the end of the day, I know that I can't keep living this lie. It's eating me up inside, and it's not fair to you. You deserve to know the truth, even if it means that some of you may choose to walk away. I owe it to myself, and to everyone, to be honest and vulnerable. I need to practice what I preach and start living authentically, flaws and all.

As I grapple with the consequences of my confession, I am met with a mix of emotions - fear, shame, but also a glimmer of hope. By admitting my faults and acknowledging my mistakes, I am taking the first step towards true authenticity. While the road ahead may be rocky and uncertain, I know that living in truth is far more valuable than any facade of perfection.

As I navigate this challenging chapter in my online journey, I am reminded of the importance of honesty, openness, and willingness (HOW). I am hopeful that by shedding the mask of perfection, I can inspire others to do the same. I am a liar and a hypocrite. But I am also human, flawed and imperfect, striving to become the best version of myself. I am sorry for misrepresenting myself, and I vow to do better.