Confusion not Confucius

I have nothing to offer except my own confusion.

Despite the known benefits and understood necessity, I can not seem to overcome my self-imposed cage. I recognize that for my personal health I need to emerge from my cocoon and establish a community of support. Yet I shudder and cower at every opportunity. I’m reliant on a cohort, where none exists. It’s insanely frustrating and the antithesis of my recovery plan.

Why do I need someone else to be comfortable with putting myself out there?

It does not make any sense! And for all the obvious delusion and irrationality, I am incapable of affecting the change that I know I desperately need to make. Particularly when I know that I am adept at being bold, sociable, and fearless.

What is it about friendship that paralyzes me?

I wish I understood the origin, and more importantly the remedy. I know it is illogical. I get that the power lies within me. Yet I struggle to implement a start.

It has become a recurrent topic of conversation with my therapist, psychologist, treatment peers, family, and children. And everyone is equally mystified. I exude confidence. I strike up conversation with strangers in a myriad of settings. I love to travel and am incredibly outgoing and gregarious when I do.

What is the disconnect when I am in my normal surroundings?

It is utterly confounding. Despite the unintelligible incongruence and diabolical consequences, I remain unable to shed the constraints that I alone have constructed.

I am desperate for a breaker switch to reset my default.

• Can anyone relate?

• What do I do?

• How do I stop?

• Where do I start?

If you have any ideas or suggestions, please drop me a line or leave a comment below. I am in urgent need of help.