Six Months of Smobriety

“The public health authorities never mention the main reason many Americans have for smoking heavily, which is that smoking is a fairly sure, fairly honorable form of suicide.”

- Kurt Vonnegut

Six months ago, I arrived in Thailand on a journey that would forever change the course of my life. Today marks my 6-month smobriety milestone, a momentous occasion that fills me with pride and gratitude. As part of my ongoing recovery from a severe depressive disorder, this accomplishment holds even greater significance for me, as it symbolizes not only my commitment to myself but also my ability to overcome and make positive changes in my life.

Growing up, I never imagined that I would struggle with addiction. I was a high-achieving student, excelling in academics and extracurricular activities. But as I entered university, the pressure and stress began to take its toll on me. I found myself turning to nicotine and cannabis as a way to cope with my feelings of anxiety and inadequacy. What started as a way to relax and unwind quickly took on a life of its own, and before I knew it, I was using both as a crutch to survive each day.

It wasn't until I hit rock bottom thirty years later that I finally realized I needed to make a change. I had alienated my friends and family, lost touch with who I was as a person, and felt like I was drowning in a sea of self-destructive behavior. I knew that if I didn't take action, I would ultimately, one way or another, kill myself. And if I’m being honest, that was whole the point.

I can hardly recall the day that I arrived at treatment as my mind had completely shut down in a strategic coping effort, to allow me to reach the wellness center without succumbing to the severe panic attacks or retreating. But I do remember thinking, “this is the day I take my life back” and that included quitting smoking. After check-in, bag search, orientation and a long hot shower following 26 hours of travel, I looked in the mirror and saw the tired, haggard face staring back at me, and I knew I would never again pick up a cigarette or vape.

Smoking had become a habit I used to cope with stress and anxiety. But it was also slowly killing me, and I was under no illusions about it. If I was serious about overcoming my depression and suicidal ideation, then cigarettes would have no place in my life any longer.

The first few days of my smobriety journey were the toughest. The cravings were relentless, and I experienced intense withdrawal symptoms. Every fiber of my being screamed for a cigarette. But I held strong, clinging to the vision of a healthier, happier future. Attending therapy sessions and support groups, I slowly began to repair and rebuild myself one day at a time.

I started to fill my days with activities that brought me joy and fulfillment, from yoga to drawing, journaling to poetry, and hopscotch to handball. Surrounded by newfound friends who were all struggling with their own addictions, and with support from my family back home who cheered me on every step of the way, I held true to the recovery process, and Addictions Anonymous steps.

As the days turned into weeks and then months, I began to notice subtle changes in myself. My energy levels soared, and my skin took on a healthier glow. My sense of smell and taste returned, allowing me to savor the simple pleasures of life in a way that I hadn't experienced in decades. But the most profound change was the shift in my mindset. I no longer defined myself as a smoker but as a strong, resilient individual capable of conquering any obstacle in my path.

Six months later, I am a completely different person. I have rediscovered my passion for writing and art, and have thrown myself into my blog and crafting with newfangled energy and focus. I have reconnected with old friends and made many new ones who support me on this journey from brokenness to healing. I have found healthier ways to cope with stress and anxiety, such as meditation and exercise. And most importantly, I have learned to love and accept myself for who I am, flaws and all.

Today, I celebrate my 6-month smobriety milestone with a heart full of gratitude and a mind teeming with possibilities. This journey has been one of the most challenging and rewarding experiences of my life, and I am grateful for every obstacle and triumph that has shaped me into the person I am today. I look forward to the future with optimism and excitement, knowing that I have the strength and resilience to overcome any challenge that comes my way. And I live purposefully each day, as a survivor, a warrior, and a smober non-smoker journeying towards better health and well-being.