Emotional Regulation – Self-care

“Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf.”― Jonatan Mårtensson

Emotional regulation is the ability to control and influence the emotions that you have, including when you have them, how you’re experiencing them, and how you’re expressing them. It is not about denying or suppressing your feelings, but about dealing with them in a healthy and constructive way. As a DBT skill, Emotional Regulation provides techniques to help manage emotions instead of being managed by them and reduce vulnerability to negative emotions.

Thoughts prompt an emotional response, emotions activate our behavior and prepare us for action. Often, the action urge of specific emotions is “hard-wired” in biology (eg: fear = run away; shame = hide; sadness = withdraw; anger = attack). Nevertheless, we can choose to acknowledge them without becoming controlled by them. 

“Your thoughts become your reality. Choose them wisely.” - Unknown

The first skill in Emotional Regulation involves recognizing and naming emotions. The Feelings Wheel is again helpful to specify our emotions, in order to manage their influence over us, without judgement for experiencing it. 

It was reiterated, ad nauseum, in therapy that there are no good or bad feelings, positive or negative emotions. They are a normal part of everyday life and unless we are robots, they will always be present. They are a feeling that we experience, nothing more. We cannot control experiencing them unless we can shut our brains off.

Understanding our emotions in that way, allows us to realize that all of our emotions are valid. They are what make us human. Quite often, we stigmatize our emotions as being invalid, when in fact, they are not. Therefore, it is important to differentiate between the validity of an emotion and the factual/justification of an emotion.

Emotional Regulation requires an understanding of whether or not our emotional response is justified/factual. If someone cuts you off while driving, you are justified in being irritated. However, you would not be justified in “road rage”.

Personally, that is a hard one for me to accept. Driving in Puerto Rico with nearly every driver out for themselves makes it almost impossible not to become enraged daily. And as much as I Ioved “Beef” (I totally would have gone Danny), I don’t want to ruin my entire life over feeling justified. So, another way to look at it is, does the intensity and duration of the emotion fit the facts of the situation? 

The final part of understanding our emotions and how they impact our behavior is to determine if the emotion is effective. It is a valid emotion to feel angry if someone hurts you or someone you love. You would be justified in your anger. You may react by severing ties with this person. But to sever ties with all humans and only engage with animals for the remainder of your life would be ineffective.

I’m sure there are many who would disagree, as, let’s be honest, the best friends in the world have fur and four legs, but I digress. Discerning if an emotion is serving you in a healthy and productive way enables you to change an unwanted emotional response.

So, how do we change an emotional response? There are several useful DBT skills for changing an unwelcome emotion. 

The first, is the simple acronym: STOP

Stop – don’t let the emotion control you, take a step back

Take a breath

Observe your thoughts and feelings, gather the relevant facts

Proceed mindfully and be consistent with your goals and values

Another helpful skill is Opposite Action, which is exactly what it states. As outlined above, emotions activate a response that is often biologically wired. The opposite action skill disrupts the automation and allows us to reject the natural urge and do the opposite all the way (body language, vocal tone, actions) to that emotion urge. For example, when I get angry with a difficult driver, instead of offering an obscene gesture, honking and/or yelling at the “idiot”, I smile, laugh and wave at them.   

Similarly, when an Automatic-Negative-Thought (ANT) occurs throughout the day, I make a concerted effort to change it into something more enjoyable to believe – Positive Self-Talk skill. Similar to Opposite Action, if an ANT is telling me “You’re ugly”, I declare “You are luminous”. If an ANT is saying “You’re useless”, I repeat “You are quintessential”. If an ANT is uttering “You’re so stupid”, I assert “You are masterful”. 

Repeatedly practicing these DBT skills as a part of your self-care helps to: reduce stress, cultivate a more positive outlook, alleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety, and be in control of our emotions rather than our emotions being in control of us.

“Self-care isn’t selfish. You can’t pour from an empty vessel.” – Eleanor Brown

Finding ways to be in harmony with the faithful tides allows us to flow effortlessly. Feel what you are feeling. Go beyond the waves of your emotions and begin to connect with the strength and serenity of the seabed. The deeper you go, the calmer you will be.

I hope you will join me in learning to use new skills and strategies to further your voyage to wellness. Stay tuned for the next pillar!

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