The Giving Tree - 2.0 – setting healthy boundaries

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Unknown

As a kid, one of my favorite books was The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. A sweet story about a tree who loved a little boy and would do anything to make him happy. When I became a parent and began reading it to my kids, I realized the story is actually quite toxic in what it teaches. Unrequited love. Selflessness to the degree of being destructive. It rewards an abusive narcissist and advocates to give and give until you literally have nothing left.

The tree, being a "she" represents a woman who gives her all until she is just a stump. It typifies motherhood and the sacrifices we willingly and lovingly make for our children. But as an adult, I read it more as an instructional tale for my daughters to give everything to a boy, then a teen, then a man, and eventually, an elderly man. It just didn't sit right with me to advocate to my daughters to be so self-denying. And I struggled with balancing the representation of motherhood, as I would never want them to think that I viewed them as being selfish or vain, or motherhood as a sacrifice.

Apparently, I was not alone in making that realization. Topher Payne, a playwright, actor and director, recently decided to give the classic the alternate ending it deserves The Tree Who Set Healthy Boundaries by Topher Payne. Payne lovingly builds upon the best parts of the book, that teach love and caring, and further adapts them so they give a much healthier lesson about love, friendship, appreciation and boundaries. The tree and the boy re-define their relationship so it benefits them both, and learn how to support one another equitably. By enjoying one another and respecting one another, the tree and the boy are able to provide happiness for generations.

I'm told that the original book was meant as a cautionary tale, to mourn and learn from. Sadly, I never realized that, nor did anyone ever explain it to me as such. The alternate ending removes the expectation of literary analysis, and clearly spells out what should have happened as an instructional tale for kids (and adults) on the importance of setting healthy boundaries and how they can benefit yourself and your relationships.

Using this post as your instructional tale, start by asking yourself where your biggest pain points or frustrations are and be specific about where and why you need to set a boundary.  This will enable you to have a clear and effective conversation which may lead to a stronger bond. 

Communication is key, whether in love, at home, or with friends, and setting boundaries helps to preserve connections that are worthwhile. In all aspects of life establishing healthy boundaries is essential to living authentically and teaching others how to treat us.

I hope you will join me in practicing this skill and showing yourself love.  Sign up for my newsletter to get more content like this delivered straight to your inbox! Subscribe

I'd love to hear from you! Please leave any questions, comments, or insights in the comments section below.