Interpersonal Effectiveness (part 2) – Setting Boundaries

"Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach them where the door is." - Mark Groves

Boundaries are the walls we build to help us navigate the tumultuous sea. Their intent is not to divide but to safeguard our sanctuaries, build harmony and promote respect. Show yourself love by putting appropriate boundaries in place. Boundaries create a safe space for your best self to operate. They form a natural barrier to protect your energy and preserve your values. Everyone who respects you will respect your boundaries, if you maintain and enforce them.  When we teach others how to treat us based on how we treat ourselves through setting healthy boundaries, it is in everyone’s best interest.

For many, setting personal boundaries can be difficult.  Personally, I have always struggled with establishing boundaries preemptively.  Yet I am highly adept at enacting them forcibly once a line has been crossed.  Through therapy I have learned that the inception of this maladaptive coping mechanism stems from my childhood.  I experienced confusion when attempting to set healthy boundaries as a child, particularly with my father. 

I had a propensity for questioning rationale and where I found some rule or logic to be unreasonable, I would attempt to explain why for the purpose of adjusting the untenable parameters.  This did not sit well with my father.  To him, it was an egregious disrespect.  In all likelihood it stemmed from his own childhood, in a time when children were to be seen but not heard. 

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown

There was no excuse for talking back, and absolutely no justification for presuming that a child knows better than an adult.  He would become extremely agitated and raise his voice in response, mansplaining the argumentation loudly and aggressively.  It was terrifying, and I unwittingly internalized an unhealthy response to setting boundaries. It was irrational to set preemptive boundaries logically, but logical to set subsequent boundaries irrationally.

Yet through the practice of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) I learned the importance and benefits of personal boundaries. They make relationships sustainable; they keep expectations realistic; and they prevent emotional combustion. Communication now prevents conflicts later. Healthy boundaries keep everyone on the same page, and they can actually strengthen and fortify bonds.

A skill that was often suggested by my counselors when dealing with Interpersonal Effectiveness was a simple acronym that offered tremendous value: DESI.

DESI

Describe

Explain

Suggest

Involve

I have used this skill in helping me to rationally communicate my personal boundaries with great success.  The gist of the conversation is: 

“I feel (X), when you (Y), I would prefer (Z). How do you feel about that?” 

It is used to express a feeling of distress or discomfort, and why it is deregulating.  By making a suggestion for an alternative approach, you define a more effective way that fits within your window of tolerance.  Opening up the conversation for constructive discussion allows the other person to feel united in the process and concerted in their actions.

7 Types of Boundaries - what they relate to and openers on how to begin to express your boundary when addressing

1. Mental: The freedom to have your own thoughts, values and opinions

“I respect your perspective although I do not agree. Differing views are what make us unique.”

2. Emotional: How emotionally available you are to others

“I don’t want to share that personal information with you. Please respect my privacy.”

3. Physical: Privacy, personal space, your body

“I’m not OK with you smoking in my home. I will need you to go outside.”

4. Sexual: What you are willing to do and feel comfortable with in your sex life

“I am not OK with you sending sexual content via text. I would appreciate that you not do that again.”

5. Time: How much time you spend with someone or doing something

“I do not respond to calls, texts, or emails between 9pm and 9am. Please be respectful of my family time.”

6. Conversational: Topics that you do and do not feel comfortable discussing

“I would rather not be a part of this conversation. I would prefer that we avoid this topic.”

7. Material: Monetary decisions, giving or lending to others

“I paid the check last time, so this time I will let you take care of it”

Boundary setting, although sometimes scary,  is an incredibly liberating exercise. Initially, healthy boundaries may require effort to establish and maintain. But with practice comes progress, and over time, you'll find that they become more habitual and instinctive. 

Regularly review your actions to ensure you are following and maintaining the boundaries you've created, especially during stressful or busy times, and with people that require constant reminders.  Establishing clear boundaries in your life fosters empowerment and will positively affect your self-esteem and overall well-being.

"You don't owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself."

Boundaries help us create broad statements of purpose, intent about our life, and what we are willing to give and take from others. We can set them to protect the things that matter most, ourselves, without apology. They are guidelines, of our choosing, for how we live our lives, the decisions we make, and our level of self-respect.

I hope you will join me in practicing this skill and showing yourself a little respect.  Sign up for my newsletter to get more content like this delivered straight to your inbox! Subscribe

I'd love to hear from you! Please leave any questions, comments, or insights in the comments section below.