Toxic relationships

It's not a rough patch, it's a noxious plot.

I've often wondered why people choose to stay in an unhealthy relationship. It's not in my wheelhouse so it's somewhat difficult for me to understand, although I have witnessed many toxic relationships of friends and family members. However, just as I suspect that for someone who has never experienced depression or addiction might find it challenging to grasp that you can't simply "snap out of it", I suppose the same may be true for toxic relationships. Nevertheless, I wholeheartedly believe that it is possible to recover and set yourself on a new path.

Many people find themselves in toxic relationships because they become accustomed to the patterns of behavior, even if those patterns are unhealthy. Adults who were brought up by unpredictable caregivers or who experienced unfulfilled emotional needs during critical developmental stages might find themselves attracted to partners exhibiting similar characteristics, because it feels so familiar - as if they've known this person "forever". Furthermore, people who were conditioned to connect love with turmoil and instability, may unconsciously long for redemption/transformation, which can make it challenging to walk away.

Love can blind us, making it hard to see the reality of our partner's actions. Imagining who a partner could be often distracts us from who they truly are. We tend to create idealized versions of our loved ones, focusing on potential and hope rather than reality. This habit can lead to disappointment and pain when our expectations are not met. We may cling to the good moments, hoping they'll outweigh the bad.

If your partner is emotionally abusive, you may start to doubt yourself and your feelings. An emotionally abusive partner often gaslights you. They manipulate reality to make you feel confused and question your own instincts. They don't take responsibility for their actions and often blame you for problems in the relationship. This can lead you to think that any issues are your fault, making you feel like you are the problem instead of recognizing that the relationship itself is unhealthy.

Many people find themselves holding on to the belief that love can transform their partner into what they envision. It’s important to recognize that change comes from within; no amount of wishing will force someone to become who they are not. Seeing your partner’s true self requires courage. It’s often easier to overlook flaws or rationalize negative actions than to face the truth. However, accepting who someone is can be liberating. It allows us to make informed choices about a future together or apart.

It is essential to acknowledge that staying in a toxic environment can be harmful to your mental health. Learning to recognize unhealthy dynamics can be the first step towards breaking free and seeking healthier, more supportive relationships.

Identify Your Patterns

Start by taking a good, honest look in the mirror. Not the funhouse mirror that makes you look like a Picasso painting. A real one. Ask yourself:

• Do I have a type? (Hint: it’s often ‘bad decisions’)

• Am I drawn to drama? (If your love life resembles a soap opera, it’s time for a plot twist)

• Do I overlook red flags? (Kind of like ignoring the “Do Not Enter” sign at a construction site)

Establish Boundaries Like a Pro

Think of boundaries as your personal force field. You wouldn’t let just anyone into your fortress, right? Start saying no like your toddlers favorite new word:

• No, I won’t tolerate disrespect.

• No, I don’t want to play emotional dodgeball.

• No, I don’t need a partner who thinks “communication” is a foreign language.

Focus on Self-Love (No, Not the Selfie Kind)

Before you can love someone else, you need to love yourself. And no, I’m not talking about scrolling through your Instagram likes. Spend time doing things that make you happy:

• Pick up a hobby that doesn’t involve your partner.

• Spend time with friends who don’t have a PhD in drama.

• Learn to enjoy your own company - Netflix and chill with yourself!

Date Yourself

Yes, you heard that right. Take yourself out for dinner. Treat yourself like the royalty you are. If you can’t enjoy your own company, why would anyone else?

• Go to that fancy restaurant you’ve been eyeing.

• Catch a movie that’s not about relationships. (Because let’s face it, you need a break from that topic)

• Buy yourself something nice. Because, why not?

Seek Professional Help (Seriously)

If you’re still stuck in the cycle, it might be time to call in the professionals. Therapists are like personal trainers for your emotional well-being:

• They help you lift the heavy baggage.

• They won’t judge you for your past choices - trust me, they’ve heard it all!

• They’ll help you figure out why you keep repeating relationships with Mr./Ms. Wrong.

Practice Patience

Breaking a cycle takes time. It’s not like flipping a switch. More like slowly turning a giant ship around while dodging icebergs. Just remember:

• Every healthy relationship starts with you.

• It’s okay to take a break. Your future self will thank you.

• And if all else fails, just remember: you can always adopt a cat. They’re low-maintenance and great at ignoring you.

Relationships can be tough and require work, but they shouldn't be overly hard. You shouldn't have to change your values or who you are for any relationship. A good relationship should be a steady and safe part of your life, not a cause of stress or a way to lose touch with yourself. If you’re having difficulty letting go of an unhealthy relationship, consider what advice you might offer your best friend. You'd probably start by reminding them that they deserve to be happy and loved in a healthy way. Psst! The same is true for you.

With honesty, self-respect and self-reflection, you can break the unhealthy relationship cycle. I believe in you!

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