Holidays Survival Guide (Now With Bonus New Year’s Delusions)

Well. Here we are again. The tinsel is shedding. The coquito is curdling. And my mental stability is hanging on by a single decorative stocking hook.

This time last year, I had dreams. I was going to heal, glow, date with dignity, and emerge into the new year as a phoenix in Spanx. Now I’m just hoping my family doesn’t ask me if I’m “seeing anyone” while I’m cutting cuero with a plastic knife and sweating through my ugly holiday t-shirt.

Let’s break it all down, shall we?

1. Post-Mental-Breakdown Energy

Nothing says “festive spirit” like having recently documented your breakdown for all the world to read. But you know what? I’m not ashamed. I fell apart. I went to therapy. I said some things I meant and some things I didn’t. But here I am. With boundaries. And a half-functioning nervous system. Progress.

2. Menopause: The Uninvited Houseguest

While everyone else is doing Christmas sweaters, I’m doing Christmas sweat. Hot flashes. Mood swings. Brain fog so intense I wrapped my car keys as a gift. My hormones are playing Whack-a-Mole. My libido has left the building. And every time someone says “just enjoy the moment,” I want to throw a snow globe at them.

3. Dating During the Holidays (Please No)

Dating apps during the holidays are a special kind of hell. You get messages like:

“Hey, beautiful. What are you doing for New Year’s?”

Buddy, I’m making chili, writing my next blog, and watching the Stranger Things finale in my christmas pjs. You?

Also - nothing like small talk with a stranger while your ovaries are pickling themselves. But sure, let’s “grab a drink sometime.” Let me just shave my legs, find pants that button, and emotionally regulate first.

4. Family Gatherings (An Extreme Sport)

Someone will comment on my weight. Someone will ask if I’m “feeling better.” Someone will remind me that “Jesus is the reason for the season” while I spike my eggnog and pretend I don’t hear the familiar passive-aggressive tension of my kids singing "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch."

5. New Year’s Resolutions (LOL)

Look. I want to believe in New Year’s Resolutions. I do. But let’s be real - I’ve made the same five promises to myself every year for the last 3 decades:

1. Drink more water

2. Wake up early

3. Find friendships/love

4. Stop self-sabotaging

5. Eat more salad and less bread during emotional crises

By January 7th, I’m dehydrated, oversleeping, ghosting men named Peter/Pedro, and eating a crouton salad that’s really just garlic bread and mozzarella.

Final Thoughts (Because That’s All I Have Left)

If you are also:

• Cry-sweating through the holidays,

• Avoiding texts from your situationship,

• Pretending your family isn’t slowly unraveling your progress,

• And quietly Googling “easy crockpot dinners kids can make for themselves,”

I see you. You’re doing great. And no, you don’t have to fix everything by New Year’s. You’ve survived. You’re still doing the work. You’re still funny. And honestly, that’s a damn miracle.

Now pass the champagne and the remote. We’ll try again next year.

 Happy New Year!!!!!