Villain vs Victim

The long term damage from someone who chips away at your reality.

There’s a special kind of madness that comes from being with someone who rewrites reality. It starts small - subtle things you dismiss. A joke that stings a little too much. A conversation that doesn’t feel right, but you can’t quite put your finger on why.

You begin to question yourself. Maybe you're just overthinking it. Maybe you're being too sensitive.

That’s the first trick. Gaslighting doesn’t kick down the door - it slides down through the cracks in your self-esteem and makes a home.

For some it's a cruel kind of genius. They know exactly how to land the hits without ever raising a hand. The low blows are disguised as honesty or jokes - things like:

• “You’re just like your father.”

• “Everyone knows how difficult you are.”

They say them calmly, like they aren’t designed to tear you apart. And when you react - raise your voice or start to cry - there's the proof.

• “Look how emotional you get.”

• “Calm down, jeez! It was just a joke.”

Of course they are allowed to lose their temper. That's understandable, after all they might have a stressful job, a contentious relationship with their mother, or a delusional best friend. But you? You're just “too sensitive,” and “unstable.” It’s like living in a play where they wrote the script, cast themselves as the wounded hero, and forced you into the role of villain. You never had a chance.

If you’re reading this and quietly nodding - I want you to know you’re not alone.

Gaslighting is more than lying. It’s psychological warfare. And it’s designed to make you question your own reality. Here are some red flags to recognize before it's too late:

• You constantly second-guess yourself.

• You apologize…even when you were the one hurt.

• Your emotions are used against you.

• You try to communicate your feelings and they turn it into a screaming match, because they can't verbalize as well as you, so you're to blame for trying to “talk” to them.

The craziest part isn’t what they say - it's what you begin to say to yourself. You believe that you're the problem. That you're hard to love. That if you could just be calmer, happier, easier… maybe you'd finally be happy.

That’s the damage that sticks. The internalized cruelty. The shame you carry for simply reacting to emotional manipulation. Looking down on yourself - not in spite of them, but because of them.

For me, it all came down to 2 sentences to finally wake up. We were in the kitchen. I was cleaning up after dinner. My kids were sitting at the table, quietly eating. And I was consoling him after a bad day at work, while trying to point out that he was taking his frustrations out on me.

He looked at me, smirked and said:

“Come on, Vanessa. I’m up here, you’re down here.”

He even gestured with his hands. As if it were tangible. And that was it.

Something inside me broke open. I looked at my daughters, at their forks tapping on their plates, and I knew with everything in me I would never want them to believe that this is what love looks like. That this is what they should accept. That they should ever believe someone who tells them they are “less.” 

Thankfully that’s the thing they never see coming. That you’ll stop playing. That one day, you’ll look at yourself in the mirror - eyes tired, heart heavy - and whisper, “This isn’t me.” And you’ll mean it.

You’ll see that the rage they provoked in you was planted there, watered with blame and grown with purpose. That every explosion they caused was a setup. That the person you were while surviving them isn’t who you truly are.

Truth be told, I didn’t leave that day. But that was the day things ended. It took time. It took therapy. It took patience, support, and a thousand tiny reminders that I wasn’t a villain. That I wasn’t unlovable. That I wasn’t a monster.

It took unlearning everything I had come to believe about myself. But over time, I did it. And now, I live for the woman I was back then - the one who just needed someone to respect her. And I live for my daughters, who are watching what self-respect looks like in real time.

If you’re in the middle of it, doubting yourself, questioning your worth - please hear this:

• You are not the villain.

• You never were.

• You were just trying to survive a war someone else started.

• And you're allowed to leave the battlefield.

You deserve to come home to yourself. You don’t have to shrink. You don’t have to beg for scraps of love. You don’t have to carry their story about you any longer.

• You are not “too sensitive.”

• You are not “unlovable.”

• You are enough.

And most importantly:

• You are allowed to leave.

• You are allowed to heal.

• You are allowed to write your own ending.

If you resonated with this and need support, know that you’re not alone. Healing takes time. Be gentle with yourself. And if you’re ready to share your story, I’d love to hear from you, drop me a line in the comments section below. We heal louder so others don’t have to suffer in silence.

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