Interpersonal Effectiveness – Self-respect

"mizaru, kikazaru, iwazaru" - Japanese proverb

The Golden Rule, also known as the Three Wise Monkeys proverb is the ancient Japanese maxim: see not, hear not, speak not. It refers to the Buddhist philosophy to be of good action, good mind and good speech, in order to be spared all evil. It teaches prudence and consideration across the range of intra/inter-personal interactions. In Western culture, it has been misused to represent turning a blind eye.

The DBT skill of Interpersonal Effectiveness essentially builds on the proverbial principles. It refers to communication and social skills in order to help us to increase our effectiveness in dealing with other people and spare ourselves suffering. In doing so, we learn to look after our relationships and strengthen those that have meaning and end those that are unhealthy. It enables us to generate and sustain balance in our interpersonal communication, and build our self-respect.

Great communicators are made, not born. It is a learned skill and requires adaptation. The effectiveness is not static, meaning the same approach may not work for each person or situation. There is a cause and effect dynamic to communication that impacts how each person receives and processes differently, based on gender, culture, age, and other environmental factors. For example, in some cultures (eg: Latin America, Western Europe) greeting someone with a kiss on the cheek is expected; while in others (Middle East, Asia) it is frowned upon, and in some countries, illegal.

Communication is our link to humanity. In its broadest sense, it is a process involving the deliberate or accidental transfer of meaning. One person does or says something, thereby engaging in symbolic behavior, while others observe what was done or said and attribute meaning to it. Whenever you observe or give meaning to behavior, communication is taking place. Each exchange is assigned a meaning subjective to that persons own experiences.

The first step of Interpersonal Effectiveness is to establish our personal objective in interacting with another person/people. The spectrum of interpersonal interaction varies from one end of the spectrum to the other, ie: impersonal to intimate. It requires a simple assessment of the following:

• How important is this relationship for me?

• What do I want this person to feel about me after this interaction?

• What do I need to do, in order to keep this relationship, if necessary?

For impersonal interaction effectiveness, the answers are fairly obvious. As we move down the spectrum toward more intimate relationships, it's important to remember to revisit and re-evaluate the above.

The more personal the relationship, the more important it is to learn skills of Interpersonal Effectiveness which are designed to help you get what you need from your relationships while being respectful to yourself and others. There are three sets of skills to help you achieve this goal: relationship effectiveness, objective effectiveness, and self-respect effectiveness.

Helpful acronyms for some of the interpersonal skills include: GIVE, DEARMAN, and FAST. In all skills it's important to remember we get most of our clues of the emotional intent behind people’s words from non-verbal sources:

"It's not what you say, it's how you say it." - Albert Mehrabian

GIVE (relationship effectiveness)

Gentle (be gentle and treat the other person with respect)

Interested (listen, without interrupting)

Validate (show you understand by validating their thoughts/feelings; respect their opinions)

Easy manner (be relaxed and light-hearted; humor is helpful)

DEARMAN (objective effectiveness)

Describe (describe the situation objectively; stick to the facts)

Express (express your feelings clearly; don't assume they know)

Assert (say what you need to say; don't beat around the bush)

Reinforce (reward people who respond well; smile and say "thank you")

Mindful (don't forget the objective; don't get sidetracked or lose focus)

Appear (appear confident; tone, eye contact, posture)

Negotiate (be open to negotiation)

FAST (self-respect effectiveness)

Fair (be fair, to yourself and others)

Apologies (don't apologize for making a request, having an opinion, or disagreeing)

Stick to Values (stand up for what you believe in; don't do anything you'll regret later)

Truthful (no excuses, exaggeration, manipulation or lying)

The final skill is Setting Boundaries, which are the roadmaps for our interactions. For many, this is a more difficult skill to learn and implement, myself included, so I will address this skill in a future post. In the interim, ponder one of my favorite absolute statements:

"No. is a complete sentence." - Anne Lamott

Interpersonal Effectiveness is a key element of DBT, as it directly impacts our relationships and overall quality of life. Developing Interpersonal Effectiveness skills can help us establish and maintain healthy relationships, improve our support networks and foster a sense of belonging. Mastering Interpersonal Effectiveness can enable us to navigate conflicts and challenges more effectively, leading to a more harmonious and fulfilling life.

Even though interpersonal communication is an inevitable part of life, few, if any, of us are as effective or as successful at it as we could be. I invite you to use the information you gain and the skills you practice as guides when you interact with others. There is no such thing as being too good at interpersonal communication. Whatever your capabilities are right now, to help yourself evolve, you must practice.

"We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star." - Stephen Hawking

I hope you will join me in practicing these skills and showing yourself respect.  Sign up for my newsletter to get more content like this delivered straight to your inbox! Subscribe

I'd love to hear from you! Please leave any questions, comments, or insights in the comments section below.