Oklahoma

The most challenging lie between people is the lie of omission.

Fans of Ted Lasso can appreciate the sentiment behind “Oklahoma” – not the state or musical, but rather the oath to be completely honest, no matter what.

But there seem to be contradictory theories about the benefits of honesty. On one side there are those who champion honesty as the best policy. While across the aisle opposition believes ignorance is bliss.

Which point of view is right?

Recent studies suggest that it depends on the balance between value and harm. If telling the truth will cause someone emotional pain and suffering without leading to growth or long-term value, many think lying is justifiable. People are more likely to approve of lying when it has a lower perceived value of telling the truth, or a higher perceived harm.

In addition, there is a collective moral accord that it is ethical to lie to people who are emotionally fragile, near death, or would be confused by truth. Known as "ethical deception", it is regarded by people as both the liars and as the people being lied to, preferentially.

The term “brutal honesty” is a hyperbolic malapropism at best. It assumes that honesty has to hurt. The point of contention isn’t the honesty; it’s the brutality. While it may be true that sometimes the truth does hurt, there are ways to share an honest message that is thoughtful rather than painful. Not damaging or gaslighting.

Yet some would argue that the way we treat those we label as “brutally honest” speaks volumes about our negatively regarded “thin-skinned” culture. That we expect truth to be mild and sugar coated, not unfiltered and natural. Suggesting that we weren’t “oversensitive” previously, and that it was preferable.

Which is a strange concept to me. Were we more intelligent beings before? Are effective interpersonal communication skills bad? Is being less emotionally aware beneficial? Similarly, the declaration “This is what I honestly believe” is perplexing. Can one really have a dishonest belief? Where you being dishonest before? If you're honest about being dishonest, doesn’t that then make you dishonest?

Regardless of where you fall on the honesty spectrum, consider this: if we don't take the risk of honesty, we risk never living a life of conviction and integrity. Furthermore, by accepting honesty graciously and openly, you’ll invite even more honesty into your life and be able to use that knowledge to become the best version of yourself.

I am always amazed at just how afraid people are to tell the truth—to themselves and to others. Even when truth is what is needed for a person to grow, for the good of a friendship or the health of a partnership, we remain silent. We fear the risks, but the price of silence is so much greater. In the long run, ignorance will do you more harm than good.

As I learned on my return from treatment by sharing my true feelings, overcoming the fear that the truth will lead to the other’s deep hurt, rejection, or anger, often has the opposite effect to the one I’d imagined. Instead of distance or confusion, the other person felt trusted and cared for, privileged to be allowed access to my inner world. And instead of feeling the need to hide, I instead experienced the transformative and deeply connective feeling of truly being seen.

As we grow up, we learn to care more about another’s feelings than our own innate need to be understood or our inherent propensity to speak truth. We are trained to lose sight of being accepted for who we are as human beings—people who make mistakes. We withhold especially when we encounter difficulty because we become frightened of the consequences.

Many of us have a habit of withholding the truth for one reason or another. We withhold sharing our love, we withhold our vulnerability, we withhold expressing our values, we withhold our struggles, we withhold our anger and our sadness. The list is so long. But don’t be fooled, ultimately omission creates confusion and distrust, causing relationships to suffer, respect to shatter, and bonds to break.

Speaking your truth is a skill that can help with establishing and maintaining healthier and stronger relationships. Mastering the skill can enable the navigation of conflicts and challenges more effectively, leading to greater harmony on this journey. I hope you will join me in practicing this skill and allowing yourself to be truthfully seen and honestly heard.

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